Unconcious debt that made me suffer

Dear readers,

Thank you for having the time reading my situation. This is gonna be a very long story, but I will try my best to keep it as short as possible.

Before I describe my whole situation, I ought to introduce myself. My name is Toan, and I'm 25 years old. I live in the Netherlands, Europe. I currently live together with my mom, my little brother and little sister, which are twins.
There are only four of us, and always has been.

I never thought I'd see the day looking for help on the internet. I was afraid I would be laughed at, or else being looked down on. These thoughts are gone now. What matters is living on, but together with the four of us.

It all started when I was 17 years old, when the debt started to accumulate. Howerver, I have to hold off on that. Truthfully, I need to describe my life before that misery happened, to get everyone to understand the whole picture of the pain I've been suffering so much. Thank you for your understanding. I hope you will continue reading.

When I was little, it was just me and my mother. Unfortunately, I never had a real father figure in my life. That person, whom I cannot call as a father hurted us. I was not even one years old, and he abused my mom continuously. Also, he never batted an eye on me. Only when he did, he would hurt me. By doing this, he knows my mother would suffer too. My mom was the toughest around the time. She did by any means to protect me, and loved me unconditionaly. We were all alone, no relatives. There were no others who would help us; quite The opposite, his side of family were all acquainted with the situation, and supported his evildoing thoroughly. His friends, neighbors and anybody around were all fooled by his 'nice' guy act. It was not easy, but all in all my mother managed to keep the two of us together. We went from places to places to keep ourselves safe.
As promised I left some things out to keep it short. Altough, I hope I can write it all out in details someday. Perhaps, when everything is going well.

11 years later. We were still together. I had a great childhood, I'd never forget in my life. And for that I'm very grateful to my mom. I got to know many cartoons I adored. Having toys I cherished so much, along with Pokémon cards by my side, not to mention I befriended many friends. Sometimes, I wish I had a sibling. It was quite lonely with just the two of us. Truth to be told, I had no idea what my mother had been going through. We thought we saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Then my mom's half-sister appeared to be a pest (excuse my language). I did mention we had nobody else, nor relatives in the country. It is because this woman is not worthy being called a family-member. She always demanded money from my mother. Ultimately, my mom decided not to give anymore. The consequences were severe. Not long after that, we got threatening letters that consists of dreadful drawings. Where knifes, people and blood were displayed. Days after, our front door was bashed in while we weren't home. It was too horrifying. Also, I can still remember when my mom picked me from school, we were being followed by strangers continuously. They could've been assassins hired by that evil woman. Police officers were being informed of our situation. Sadly, these proofs were not enough to suspect that wretched woman. In the end, we had to move from place to other places again. It had to be done quick, because it was not safe. We had so little time, and we weren't allowed to take many belongings with us. The only thing that crossed my mind was my Pokémon cards collection. It holds so much dear memories. At the time, I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to my friends from school. Everything happened too fast for me to process. While I'm writing this I can't hold back my tears. I can't even imagine how painful it was for my mom.

Several years later. Just the two of us, still. Having a new home, new school and some newly made friends. Then, at that time my mom met someone, who we thought we could confide in. Maybe a father figure I ever will have. Though, I shouldn't expect such nice things.

I did mention before, I always wanted a sibling. A younger sister I'd care for and protect with my life. Or a younger brother that would look up to me, while I'm trying to look good in front of him by making right choices. Well, there was one day while I was doing some shopping with my mom. All of the sudden I wanted a girl toy from a toy store. Yeah, my mom was surely surprised. Even now I'm surprised too. We purchased it and brought it home. Strangely enough, I never played with it. It was still in the package, unopened. After some time we've heard great, delighted news. My mom was pregnant! Not only one, but two babies in her belly. And to top it off, it was a boy and a girl...whoa. I still remember that day. I was the happiest brother, ever. Nothing would ever top that moment in my whole life. While we were drown in happiness, the father was not too happy. It's like a déjà vu. The twins weren't 2 years old, and he clearly didn't want to take part of taking care of the kids. He said he yearned for freedom, and eventually abandoned us.

There is four of us now, which includes my kind mother, my sweet lil' sister, and my lovely lil' brother. And of course me too. This 'family' thing I've been looking for is quite ideal in the end. But nothing lasts forever, again. Everything happened so fast through the years.
There are always evil people (the ones I've mentioned before) doing by any means to hurt others. Be it threatening, violence, or go for something dangerous we can't see with the eye, but it truly exists. Not everybody would believe it. Even I did not believe it. But through experiences I understand it now. I'd rather not speak of that word, but maybe when all is well, I'll explain all of it someday. My mom is being affected by that. She gets weaker, and weaker by the day. She can't do anything like she used to do. No more cooking, less moving, and her body gets hurt, constantly. She's very ill right now. Doctors couldn't find anything that's related to diseases. As I've mentioned before it is something we can't see through our eyes at first. Only the most evil people would go for such lowly methods. While my mom is unable to take care of the family, I'd been doing it instead. Luckily, I learned cooking from my mother. Doing household, taking care of the twins. Then, after some time I got more bad news incoming. My little sister collapsed on her way from school to home. She couldn't breathe, and slowly lying on the ground. This never happened before. She's a very healthy girl. My world turned upside down, and it felt like a nightmare. An ambulance took her to the hospital.
After a while, she was awake and got treated for almost a week. The doctor told me it was due to her weak lungs. Normally, human lungs should be functioned well by being open. But hers are closed. I'm not sure if I explained correctly, but it was all about that. Right now, my little sister gets all the medicine she needs. She needs it daily, but at the right time being applied with my help. Honestly, having my mom being ill and my sister being more vulnerable regarding her disease, I've been worried sick. But I had to stay strong for the family.

Time had passed, and I got to hear unpleasant news from my lil' brother. He got bullied at his school, constantly. All because he's part foreign, and they mocked his sister's disease. Teachers were no helping and the parents were a no-go either. It's like they were all in it. We had to switch schools for the twins. It was not an easy procedure, but I managed to find a better school for the kids. So much was happening. I rarely had time for my studies, or making choices for my future. My mind and heart wasn't in it. I get tired and more tired by the day. So I dropped from school and went for a part-time job to earn money to hold the family together. Bills needed to be paid, groceries were of importance. After a while I received a letter regarding my studies. It was a huge debt (student loan), I'd never be able to pay. I became more tired, more lonely. I couldn't bring myself to let my mom know. She is already ill, and this would break her. I also want the twins have a happy childhood without knowing this afwul news. It was painful for me, but I had to sell all of my belongings, even my Pokémon cards collection, which my mother bought me when she was healthy and smiling. It holds all the memories, but it had to be done. After all these years I have been paying my debt little by little with the scrap of money I had. But the high interest of the debt kept bouncing back. It's like all the payment made no difference at all. This hurt me even more. Part of my family is vulnerable to diseases, especially this pandemic going on. To avoid it, I had quit my part-time job. Now the debt is piling up over 13K euro's, and it keeps increasing. I might as well give up on life. But I can't leave my family like this, all alone. My mom sacrificed herself for the family, now it's my turn do the same.

I did little self-education since I'm in this mess. Therefore, my sincerest apologies for the lack of grammar. I used to have a dream to be a teacher helping children to reach their goals. Unfortunately, things don't go well as it should be. I got to know joy in my life, but on the other hand I also experienced sadness, and pain. I've seen everything in this cruel, yet beautiful world.

If things are going well, I might go down different route, if fate let me. Instead of being a teacher, I could help others through a story I have in my mind. I just need time, and being reassured of my family's situation. True peace is most-likely not attainable in our real world, but I know I can make it more peaceful through my story. If this story sells well, I'd love to help others as well by donating, but anonymously. Help feels right without all attention. This thought had been lingering in my mind, or maybe it is another foolish dream of mine.

I'm tired, and right now I'm getting weaker and more tired at the same time. Everytime some joyous moment happens I get a flash of reminder of my debt. It keeps eating me up, everyday.Truthfully, the twins deserve a better caring brother who can provide more. My mother deserve a better child that wouldn't cause such a big mess. This debt has been haunting me forever, and still is. Please, somebody, anybody save me from this never-ending nightmare...

Unfortunately, I won't be able to give you anything in return, but I'll keep my word.
My priorities right now is paying my horrendous debt. Following, clearing my mind from all of that and focus on my family. If possible, with some remaining money I can buy more groceries, and anything related to sustenance. My family is the only treasure I have right now. Nothing else matters.

I'll add my e-mailadress(es) for in case anyone has questions. Support doesn't always have to be money. Supportive messages are nice too, which I really need right now. I wrote everything with my feelings and soul, while I'm so tired and feeble. What I wrote was just a small fraction of a whole. Maybe, someday I will be able to write every bit of our life to everyone. I'll keep my promises, and I shan't be known as an oathbreaker. If fate brings us together, we could a share a glass of apple juice when the pandemic is over. Perhaps, I could be cheerful again without any worries like back in the day (like that old picture of mine).



Kind regards,

Toan



E-mailadresses: toanluu95@outlook.com
toanluu1995@gmail.com